Who would've thunk it eh? After all the Miller Lite commercials and all the practicing in the bathroom and all the stress associated with making the first "move," turns out you got a better than average chance to get some if all you say is "Hi."

Well I'm sure what comes after the "Hi" plays a large role in if you're gonna be getting nekkid that night, but seems nothing is better than just comin clean. Maybe that's why that loser a couple chairs down is mixin it up with that hottie. Or maybe that's why that skank ho with the sick panty lines is gonna get laid tonight. What an odd world we live in Charlie… odd indeed…

So I says to myself, "If hi works so damn well, why do men and women (men especially) always come up with the stupidest things to say in order to break the ice?" It makes me think of days past, cruising down the strip in Palo Alto with a couple high school buddies, having a competition on who could come up with the dumbest pick-up lines…

"Excuse me, what's your favorite kinda cheese?"

"Excuse me, did you get that on sale?"

"Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Needless to say, I remain a virgin to this day. Still though, we got plenty of laughs, plenty of smiles, and only the stupidest chick in the world would've thought that we were serious. We was in it for their reaction… and every now and then we'd be rewarded by a blown kiss or a lift of the shirt. Did I mention that I was in high school?

And like all good anecdotes, they eventually take you somewhere. Over the course of seven long days, I scoured women of all ages, professions, and backgrounds on what were some of the most cheesiest, most ickiest, most stupidest pick-up lines they've ever heard. Most of the women responded with lines actually used on them, and I'm sure most men still believe that these things work. I guess we just don't get it.

I must say though, most of the replies that I got were drab and unoriginal… kinda like Courtney Cox. Only a few were good enough to be deemed "worthy" to make it on II stix, so I went and scoured some other ones down too.

So behold, the greatest compilation of dumb ass pick-up lines anywhere! But a word of caution before advancing any further. Actual use of any content provided below may result in death and/or serious injury, and II stix is not responsible for any cracked heads, squeezed penises, or unwanted babies that may arise from our study.

With that being said, godspeed fellow reader… godspeed!

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THE CORNY Baby, you must have a mirror in your pants cause I can see myself in them. Your father must be a baker, cause you got nice buns. Are you tired? Cause you've been running around in my mind all night. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting out of them? I like to enjoy myself. Maybe sometime we can let our bodies enjoy each other. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. Come over here and get a taste of America's Most Wanted. Hi, I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

THE POTENTIAL If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold IT against me? I may not be the best looking guy in the room, but I am the only guy talking to you. You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book… so what's one more? Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you? I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell out of here Do you mind if I end this sentence in a proposition? If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep in until the afternoon. Are you interested in anybody here? Then I guess you're stuck with me. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

THE FUNNY Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard? Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No? Damnit! Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home. I've gotta thirst baby, and you smell like my Gatorade. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards means 'letom'? Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. Do you like chips? Because if you are "Frito Lay" than I'm willing! I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

THE OBTUSE Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or should I nudge you? Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after. Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? Are you free tonight or will it cost me? I'm drunk. That's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Y You MUST have a nice personality. Perhaps you recognize me from one of the popular adult movies I was in.

THE IGNANT Your face or mine? My face is leaving in 15 minutes… be on it. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. Excuse me. Do you wanna have sex or should I apologize? Hey baby, as long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit. It's not just going to suck itself. Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head? Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face. Pardon me, do you mind if I push in your stool?